You and, occasionally, my younger brother are the only interesting, only attractive people I know. Whatever’s wrong with my respiratory system has me a freak, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to recover (I’m stupid, stupid in obsessive ways - what I intend is, assuming I’m not dramatically better in a couple of weeks, I’m going to take advantage of of the OSU health insurance I’ve paid for. I told myself I should wait a bit, it might be neccessary that it not be too obvious that this is a pre-existing condition.)…(I have a lot of dislike for myself these days because, because how could I not - decisions that an intelligent person would have known/figured out not to take seem likely to have seriously, nastily, freakishly fucked up my lungs.) You deserve better than someone who’s put themselves in this unnattractive state, I DESERVE NO PITY, I want no pity (if that ain’t freakin obvious), I only mention this problem to explain myself - I want to not talk about it, not bore you or worse. What I’m saying is that I have reason to want to believe that this woman/girl that is interested enough to pay me some attention is spectacular. You’re attractive. I want to keep your interest (I’ve very little experience with talking to people I want to attract, I probably go about this in a fashion that’s far from what would be most effective). You’ve expressed insecurity. I have reason to say to you that you are the things that I hope/imagine/desire you to be. Not thinking about you critically is not a good way to build the kind of relationship I believe I want with you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it also makes what I say boring, or even ire-some.
I have belief in myself. I have some intelligence. I believe I can grow myself, intellect and personality. I have, I believe, a significant amount of self control. I believe I can improve my body (lol, I think, dunno maybe because I haven’t been smoking pretty much at all, maybe because I’m making sure to never skip brushing, my teeth are turning whiter).
Favour, I think highly of myself, but this respiratory problem is nasty, and really fucks up my body - I can’t tell myself I’m good enough for you, at the least, if I’m gonna be stuck in this state. You know I want whatever relationship you’ve desire to extend to me. …I’ll fucking focus more on you being very young. I’ll think about you more critically. Especially as my health improves (but even if it doesn’t),…I am going to make friends with women, I will focus, at least a little bit, less of my attention on you. …Good lord, you’re sexy and you’re pretty freakin sophisticated. ………..I have confidence in myself, I ain’t crazy (as far as my thoughts about you) - I’ve got to show this. …Even if I don’t get any better, I don’t deem myself worthy of you and I ABHOR THE THOUGHT OF MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. Lol, let me shut up - I ain’t fully desperate, and I know how to reel the fuck in my lust for you.
…You fucking broad, now I’m thinking even more highly of you. Look, I’m going to find a way to impress attractive women. Good lord, you owe me nothing. I have self control. WHY THE FUCK AM I CREEPY. Lol, “How am I”? …Seriously though, I hate that you see me as such. I’ve been going through a difficult time,…I haven’t been able to fuckin breath well - maybe this shit has me acting crazier than I realize, has me acting stupid. You owe me nothing, I’m used to not getting what I want. …I’LL FUCKING MEET OTHER WOMEN, that’s what I’m going to do that’s what I have to do. I’m so happy, I’m afraid I’m coming off too strong, let me shut up